Eric Joyner is an amazing artist.
This picture. It made me tear up a little. Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM, have you ever seen a happier robot family? :’)
So, tweeting Tiff has reminded me of this one time when I had a real bad tooth ache, like literally skull splitting, bloody horrible vomit inducing pain from beyond the universe. I could not walk it was so bad.Probably caused by either the fact that I had recently had my teeth kicked out, or the fact I filed my teeth as a child. ANYWAY..There was no way in hell I was ever going to let anybody get me anywhere near a dentist chair so the only logical explanation was to perform my own dentistry. How hard could it be? Those dentist dudes are just med school drop outs, I could do that. Right? So, one day at work, having had enough of the pain I armed myself with a set of mechanics grips and a phillips screw driver and marched into the boys toilets (the most sanitary of locations) for my own personal surgery.
I put the grips in my mouth and with the help of my tongue located the tooth in question, the grips where cold and tasted of grease and sweat. I didn’t care. I could not endure this ungodly pain any longer. Every moment of agony was like a fire spreading up my jaw and tearing through my brain. It had to go! Using the screwdriver to steady the grips I pressed the handles together and pulled as hard as I could.
With a sickeningly soft ripping sound the grips came free, and a moments respite from the horror followed.Which was quickly followed by an even more intense pain then I had before, Looking down I could see my hands and the floor where now covered in blood, I saw my own hands shaking, I saw the grips…and clamped between their jaws was half of my tooth and a fleshy lump of bloody gum attached to it..My stomach lost control and I vomited in the sink. Repeatedly. Blood, bile, bits of gum and tooth shrapnel danced around the plug socket as I hurriedly washed them away. Suddenly ashamed of my own idiocy. Why did I ever think I could do this? I’ve never had the training! I’ve never even watched an episode of E.R! How could I be so stupid? The vomiting continued.
I was becoming dizzy. I needed to get out of this ever shrinking cubical and get some air, get to a hospital, anything! The vocal ticks had started, but you couldn’t hear them…My mouth was still full of blood and vomit. The world was spinning ever increasingly faster and I couldn’t keep my footing for much longer. I needed to clean myself up and calm the fuck down before I stepped back out there. I couldn’t let my colleagues see me like this. It was around about this time that I hit the deck, hitting the blood covered floor of the boys toilets like a sack of shit. I was bailing out on this reality, like it or not. I watched the tiny room spin for the final time and I was out.
I came around about an hour later, I had fallen into the habit of retreating into the toilets for a power nap or to read a magazine, so it wasn’t entirely out of character for me to be in there for a few hours. I’d blame it on some bullshit story about IBS or something. We weren’t exactly the busiest of camera shops so people didn’t really give me shit for it. The pain was still there, but my body had obviously pumped itself full of adrenaline or some other pain numbing thingy that made it possible for me to stand and look in the mirror…Oh god my face, my face and neck had swollen up to at least 3 times their usual size. I looked sexy. I sheepishly emerged from the bathroom to find Becky making a run of tea. She didn’t say anything…Just stared in disbelief at this blood covered, long haired, swollen bastard emerging from the toilets.
“I…I fell and hit my head on the sink”
So obviously I was taken to hospital. They checked me over with the whole skull scan thing and I eventually admitted that I had tried to pull my own teeth out. Nobody thought it was as cool or badass as I did, and many of the staff re-assured me that my initial reaction to my own stupidity was correct.
I then of course eventually found myself in the dentists chair, the one place I tried to avoid, fuck. Of course I had to recount the story and endure the groans and lectures of how much of an idiot I already was. I knew this by now, trust me. Anyway, they lean me back and start doing the suction thing and filling my mouth with cotton buds. This I can handle and the suction thing is actually quite nice, but the nurse doesn’t like it when I put my tongue over the nozzle. Then comes the needle.
I usually only really tick when I’m stressed, very rarely do I actually get vocal ticks (these are reserved for instances of extreme pain, and ejaculation, which means I lead a pretty amusing sex life…But you didn’t need to know that.) But with that needle in sight my neck has developed a mind of it’s own and my head is whipping and my jaws are snapping. The dentist man was pretty straight with me, looking me straight in the eye (which is a little disconcerting when your practically strapped prone in a chair) he says “Look, this thing here isn’t going to hurt you half as much as you’ve already hurt yourself…This is going to take months to heal and an infection with a wound like that could probably kill you, I need to do this”
“Go Guck Gourself” I replied, but he had already stuck me with that thing and I could feel the effects of it taking place in my mouth. Tingly.
So he did his job, stitching the insides of my face up and repairing not only the damage I had done, but the damage years of fights outside the square and getting murdered outside Harlow town football club had done. All with the help of those wonderful drugs.
All I have to say, is that I didn’t have to go through any of that shit the next time I pulled one of my own teeth out with a set of pliers, and I would rather die then go back to the dentist.
Happy Veterans Day back at ya Cap. One of the greatest moments of my life was telling Stan Lee about how Cap was part of my inspiration to join the Army and after he looked at me and said,
“Cap would be proud to hear you say that son”. Thank you Marvel and Thank you Stan Lee.” —